Gone But Not Forgotten
by SweetHeartxx
Summary: Severus Snape is distraught with Lily Potter's death, and it seems there's only one hope left for him to let go, visit her grave...


It had been too long; too many years had gone by, so why did he still feel this way? The bitter memories made the chilled autumn air pale in comparison as the lone figure made his way down the cobble stoned road, taking slow and steady steps, painful as they were. The man standing here in Godric's Hollow never thought he'd be here, and not under such circumstances. He thought he'd given it all up, he thought he had simply forgotten. He had finally convinced everyone that he'd moved on, everyone but himself…

_There they were, just as always, the two girls. Surely, they must have been sisters by the way the taller one tried to boss the other around. But it wasn't her she was interested in, he was more entranced by the smaller of the two, a girl who must've been just about his age. He'd seen them here before, many a times actually, and every time they seemed to have a large group of girls with them, and he was too afraid to make himself known, too afraid of that all too familiar ridicule. _

_It was so obvious though, at least to him, a boy who had known about magic his whole life. The younger of the two, she was a witch. Just the way she could glide through the air, sure some people were delicate and dainty… but the ease at which she accomplished such a feat, he couldn't imagine any other way. She just had to be a witch, like him, she was like him._

_All the proof he needed came that day. For the first time, he'd seen substantial proof that she was indeed one who possessed magic. Forget the fact that she was most likely a muggle; it didn't matter, not here, not now. All that really mattered to him was that he was not alone anymore, that she was someone his age, and she was like him. _

_The girl, Lily was her name, or so he gathered from the older one's constant scolding. And now, she was treating a small flower almost as if it was one of those muggle toys, a puppet or something of the sort. She was making it open and close, though the other girl seemed quite appalled and somewhat jealous, but above all, poor thing, she was confused. Perhaps he should let her know what exactly was going on, after all, if the older girl didn't understand, the younger probably didn't either. _

"_It quite obvious, I mean, how she's doing that." He said softly, rather surprised by his own assertiveness. He was normally the one to remain in the back row, blend into the crowd, and run from any kind of confrontation, good or bad. _

_The older girl ran a few feet backwards, seemingly willing her sister to follow after her, though she didn't. The girl known as Lily just sort of stared at him. He looked down at himself. And no wonder she was staring at him with a mix of fear and utter amusement. His long black hair was limp as always and his clothes, a few sizes too large for him. He must have looked like some outcast, which he could definitely have been, given his social situation and all, but at least she hadn't run. She hadn't rejected him, not yet. _

_The girl still didn't understand, he could tell by the look in her eyes, and just as the question left her lips, the answer was forming on his. "I know how you can do that." He said simply as if it was the most common sense sort of thing he'd ever said. _

_Obviously, both girls were still puzzled. He must have forgotten himself. What a silly little boy he was back then… maybe he still was now. But no matter, he had simply and innocently said what was on his mind._

"_Simple, you're a witch." And that was the last straw, the older girl, Petunia her name was, had put the pieces together, and now that the shock had passed, she seemed to will Lily, awfully disgusted and quite offended, to follow her home._

"_This, this is that Snape boy. The one on Spinner's End." The older girl said in a high strung tone, very snippy and mocking. But that was all her sister needed to hear, and Severus was left to stand there in disappointment as the Evans sisters walked away and left him standing there. He was left standing there alone._

There he was now, standing at the small silver gates to the cemetery. It was so long, and yet, he had still not forgotten. Severus Snape stood there, unsure if this was the right place for him to be on that very bleak evening. He'd come at his first chance, the first chance he'd gotten. Nothing could have kept him for long, no matter how much he denied it to the others, claiming he was not attached to Lily Evans Potter by anything, emotion, memories, anything.

It had taken quite a while and a bit of convincing lying before the other Death Eaters had believed him. That was the best gift he could have hoped for in learning occlumency. Whether it be more of a curse or blessing, Severus would be allowed to keep the only happy memories he'd ever known. The memories of that time, that time that seemed all too long ago. He would keep his memories of Lily Evans, his best friend, and his only love.

The wind grew more fierce, as if trying to change his mind, sway his intentions, do anything to keep him from entering the cemetery where he would visit the ghost of his yesterdays. It threatened to rip the small gathering of flowers that the young man held so reverently in his left hand, a gift he should have given the lovely woman so long ago, while she was still alive. Forcing himself to continue on despite the tears that tempted to escape his narrow black eyes, Severus gave a gentle push on the clasped silver gate, causing it to creak as it swung open just enough for him to make his passage through.

_The swings in that old playground, they were always creaking, needing oil or something of the sort but never receiving them. It was only a few days since their letters had arrived. Ever since Lily had gotten her acceptance into Hogwarts, rather her invitation, and since then, it was as if she was attached to him. Lily and he had been inseparable. It was as if he was Lily's key into another world, one she hadn't believed existed until now._

_The swings had been creaking that day, in the distance as they sat in the wooded area just below the playground. They created a gentle drone underneath the casual conversation they were sharing. Lily was sitting beside him and in the fading daylight, she looked even more spectacular than before. Perhaps this attraction was simply a childhood crush caused by the fact that she simply accepted him, didn't ridicule him like everyone else did, because in her he'd finally found a true friend. Either way those feelings, no matter how he tried to cover them, to subdue them, his love for her had only grown over the years, even to this day, Severus Snape could not deny that he loved Miss Lily Evans Potter._

"_I'm worried Severus, does it matter that I'm muggleborn?" Lily had asked him, it was a question that constantly came up in conversation, almost as if she was afraid it made her too different from everyone else, that she wouldn't be accepted. But Severus never understood that, how she could be worried about something like that. Everyone that met her seemed enchanted, much as he always had been, since the first day he's seen her on the playground._

_Severus had always hesitated when she'd ask. The thing is, he grew up, despite the fact that he was a half-blood, knowing that purebloods were dominant in the magical world, that's what his mother had always told him. That's what every wizard he'd ever met had told him. They said that muggles and muggleborns would fall, and that the purebloods would one day reign superior. So how was Severus to have believed otherwise? But his answer was always the same._

"_Of course Lily, how could anyone not accept you?" A little color came to his cheeks at such a declaration. Even then, he had been afraid of his feelings for the feisty little red head, after all, he saw what "love" did to people when he was at home, and he didn't want any part of it. He never wanted to see Lily upset, and if his parents were any example of love, then he would never admit his feelings, not even then, when it would have been seen simply as a cute little crush._

_But as soon as he'd given her the same reassurance he always gave her, he could see Lily's features relax and her lovely green eyes soften. Even now he could recall every moment he'd spent with her and the idea frightened him. It could not be healthy, loving someone so long, so deeply and never getting the chance to tell them…_

"_But you said we can't use magic outside of school? What if we did…" She bit her lip, and he could tell she was concentrating deeply on something. His curiosity was answered by the simple, soft and unsure question she spoke next. The hint of fear flickered in her eyes as she turned to look out above the trees at the setting sun. "Tell me about Azkaban…"_

_How could she ever have thought that she'd go to Azkaban? Someone so sweet and innocent, as she had been for so long as he'd known her. It was a terrible thing, that she could be thinking that. It really was. "Lily, don't be crazy. They wouldn't send you to Azkaban for doing magic outside of school. You least of all…" His voice trailed off again as color rose in his cheeks, leading him to look away from his best friend and up at the darkening sky._

A branch snapped beneath his feet. That was where their conversation had ended then too, Petunia had been listening in and interrupted their private conversation. But being pulled back to reality made him angered at first, then his heart moved to a place of deepest sadness and longing. Severus willed himself to keep walking, to keep going. This would be the end to the pain he felt, it had to be. He had to move on. There was nothing left for him here.

A flower blew from the small gathering in his hand and Severus didn't even make the attempt to retrieve it. It was a small flower from the bush at the park, a place that had become more familiar to him, with more happy memories than his home would ever hold. And he'd always known that once Lily Evans had walked out of his life, been thrown from his life, he would never feel that same happiness, that same warmth again. And just as he did now, he watched the small flower escape his grasp…

He just watched it blow away, until it was out of sight in the darkness. Clutching the bouquet in his hands, he lifted it to his nose and smelled that same familiar scent, the one that would forever remind him of her.

And then the rain started, gentle, though steady upon his shoulders as he continued to weave his way through the maze of tombstones. The sooner he got there, the better. Then there would be no more regret… Severus would be able to forgive himself, for all the times he wasn't there for her, could do nothing for her, for letting her down so many times. He needed to forgive himself for letting her die…

_It had been raining, the large drops hitting the window of the compartment they shared with two other boys. Lily's head was resting against it, her eyes closed, though the tears were visible on her cheeks. She wouldn't speak to him, and it worried him. She had never seemed so upset, not in all the time that he had known her. Could it have been something he'd said? Had he gone something to hurt her? No, he could never… he would never… never forgive himself if he caused her such pain._

_But he didn't want to ask her to share her private moments, not here on the train with these two strangers, both of whom seemed to want nothing to do with them, which served Severus just fine. Still, he needed to know what was wrong. His concern for her feelings ran too deep to just ignore her tears and pretend nothing had changed._

_He reached across to where she sat and let it fall to her knee for a moment before sitting back upright again. At first, Lily didn't move, she just stayed there, the tears dripping down her cheeks, but when she did open her eyes, she just looked at him blankly._

"_She hates me. Petunia hates me." And Severus wished he could forget what she'd said next. "She called us freaks Severus. This is all your fault; she hates me because we saw her letter from Dumbledore." The sadness was undeniable in her tone, and it cut him so deeply. Did Lily really think he'd try to hurt her? If Severus could, he would go back, and he would stop them from opening that letter, sneaking around Petunia's room, no matter how much he liked the thrill of it. It all seemed for naught if she hated him._

"_She didn't mean it Lil; your sister's just jealous." Severus tried reconciling her, but feared his attempts would be futile. After all, he knew Lily too well, and he knew she could be stubborn if she wanted to be. But he hoped despite himself that she would take his word as truth and let it slide. "And besides, we're going to _Hogwarts!_ There are so many people just like us… it'll be wonderful."_

_Lily sniffed a few times, rubbing her eyes, but still not making eye contact with him. However, when her eyes met his, he could see the hope in them. "You really think so Sev? You really think it'll be okay?"_

_He nodded. "Of course things will be fine." They couldn't get any worse than his family; Petunia could never truly hate her sister. It was simply unheard of. Sisters were supposed to be like best friends for life or something; isn't that what he always heard? Magic surely wouldn't come between these two would it?_

His blood boiled. And then James Potter entered the conversation. What that boy had that he didn't, he never really understood. And now, Severus probably never would… seeing his body was buried in the ground below his feet somewhere in this cemetery. Buried somewhere beneath his feet, right beside Lily. Oh, how sweet life could have been had it not been for Mr. Potter. He could have had Lily, possibly even married her, his whole life would have been different. But no, Potter and Black had to ruin everything. Even to this day, his hatred for the man ran deep, very, very deep. It was probably rather unhealthy.

If there was one person that Severus blamed for everything that had happened with him and Lily, it was James Potter. He stole Lily from him, right from under his nose. But he wasn't here to murder James; that had already been done, not that his hatred could have ever allowed him to kill Lily's husband, no matter how much he had wanted to.

"_I can't believe you wouldn't try to stop them, Avery and Mulciber, I mean. Sev, they're horrible, downright evil. What do you see in them anyway?" Lily's stern tone sounded somewhat arrogant in his mind. She hung around the marauders, and they were no better, not in his opinion anyway. And where did she get off talking down to him like that? _

_This wasn't the first time they'd had a conversation like this. They didn't have them often, but when they did, their arguments were heated. "Lily, that's not even fair. What about Potter and his friends? What about all the stuff they do?" Half of which they did to him. Sure she yelled at them, but that didn't change the fact that they were immature gits._

"_But the things _they_ do aren't evil. Mulciber and Avery are into the dark arts. At least Potter and his friends are civil." Lily argued. He could not believe that she would defend _them._ It was unthinkable. They had both agreed time and time again that the Marauders should be punished more than they were, that they got off the hook all too easily sometimes. "And besides, Potter may be an immature git, but he still saved you the other night."_

_He sighed in relief, as she let him know that she could still not stand the arrogant prat and that she was still his friend, even if her opinions had changed and had begun to differ from his, at least he knew that she would not fall for Potter's "charm" quite so easily. And how could he have doubted her, she was Lily Evans, one of the most amazing girls he had ever met?_

Not fall for his charm? How could he have been so naïve? But then again, he had so much faith in Lily, that he would never have expected her to fall. Perhaps things were better that way. After all, as he'd decided long ago, Severus knew he was wrong for her. But James Potter? Even now the thought of such made him angry. It felt as though _she_ had betrayed _him_ and not the other way around. Most people didn't see it that way though… in their eyes, Severus Snape would always be that slimy, good-for-nothing, fool who thought he had a chance with Lily Evans, a girl much too good for him. And while the latter part of that statement was undoubtedly true, he was neither of the preceding. Slimy and good-for-nothing, what rubbish… Well then again, maybe he _was_ good for nothing, but certainly he was not so little that he was not worth the effort put into their relationship.

People were cruel, they were heartless animals… they had proved that time and time again. And now he doubted both the Dark Lord and Dumbledore. Both had failed him, both proved to be just as bad as the rest of them, all in the matter of a day: October 31, 1981, the day that Severus would never forget, so long as he lived, not even if he tried. He'd never gotten the chance to apologize, really apologize, for what had happened what seemed like only the other day…

_They had just finished their O.W.L for the DADA, and Severus had been quick to escape to the outdoors. Something had been bothering him, the glances that Potter and his friend had been throwing at him were oddly suspicious, more so than normal. They were planning something, he was sure. So he had made it a point to get out and fast, try to lose them, but as he reached the large tree at the edge of the Black Lake, he realized they had caught up to him, at least Potter and Black, being more fit than he was himself. And before he knew what was happening, he was hanging upside down… hit by a spell of his own making._

_His pride that day, had taken such a hit, he wished that one day could be erased for his memory… but that wasn't the worst of it. Not more than five minutes past with him hanging there, people stopping to gawk, to point and laugh, before Lily appeared, ready to step in and defend him. And the jokes really stirred, so much so that Lily, his best friend, had to shout and was still barely audible over the roar of the other students. _

_Severus could imagine nothing more embarrassing. And in his embarrassment, out of his humiliation, he said something he'd never have wanted to. He wasn't even sure he could remember what exactly he'd said then, but the one thing he did remember was he, Severus Snape, had finally done it, he'd said something unforgivable to Lily. He had called her a mudblood, right in the open, in front of everyone. How he had managed to live with the knowledge that he'd hurt her so much with just one word was beyond him._

_The guilt remained with him every day, so much so that he tried desperately to apologize, many times he'd stood outside the Gryffindor Tower, hoping to have two seconds alone with her, but it never happened. It had been too late, it was over. Nothing he could say would ever change that, and it was all James Potter's fault. All his fault._

That was quite some time ago, but the wound had never really healed. For some reason, he had expected Lily to forgive him, even when he didn't deserve it. But as she had a right to, she denied that of him. And now as he felt the rain come harder, it mixed with the tears sliding down his cheeks. There it was, as real as he expected, but nothing could have prepared him for the realization that hit him. Lily was gone. There was no bringer her back, he would never get the chance he had so long hoped for, at least not in this lifetime.

Everyone had failed him… no everyone had failed her, even himself. Even her beloved husband had failed her. She was dead… the tears kept coming, running harder. Only days earlier, he could've walked through Godric's Hollow, stopped and seen Lily walking around, alive and well, and as beautiful as ever, but now, she was gone.

Lily hadn't even gotten the chance to live her life, she was only 21. She'd only been married for two or three years, despite the fact that she had married Potter. And her son, he was only a year or so in age too. It just wasn't fair that Lily had to be killed so cruelly and so soon. She deserved to live happily and die naturally, not be slaughtered like a sacrificial lamb.

The Dark Lord had promised, he had promised to spare Lily. How could he have betrayed Severus like he had? He was one of the most loyal Death Eaters, and how could Dumbledore have failed to protect her…. them? It made no sense. Perhaps it was the pain searing through his body at the news, or maybe it was the simple refusal to believe that a word anyone said was true. It was the will to think hope upon hope that Lily, his Lily, had somehow been spared.

But no, he knew better than that. Lily Evans Potter, his Lily was gone. Her body was gone, six feet under or whatever it was that muggles said. Only a week ago, she had been alive and well, and now, she was still and stiff and cold, an empty and lifeless vessel in the ground. And had he not feared being turned away, he may have attended the service for Lily, but he may have been shunned, attacked, blamed for the whole thing. But how could he be blamed for the death of Mrs. Potter, the only woman he ever loved, when he had done everything in his power to protect her?

A tear fell onto her tombstone as he began to shake just a little, kneeling down to set the flowers on top of the marker. They were her favorite, from the playground… if only she were still here, if only things hadn't gone the way that they did. Maybe if everything had been different, Lily would be standing there, by his side. And to think he had come here in hopes of forgetting her… what had he been thinking? As the rain poured down from above and Severus took the long walk away from the grave, he knew the truth about Lily Evans. He would always love her. And he would never forget.

How could he ever forget? How could he forget the one person that he had ever truly loved? And how could he forgive himself if he did. As painful as they may seem, standing at this grave, he knew that Lily Evans Potter was still alive, so long as she was in his heart, and so long as her only son lived on, Lily would never be allowed to die. Her legacy would live on, and he would do anything to make sure that happened. He would not be the one to let his beloved Lily die, that was the one thing he could never live with.


End file.
